Well I never come here or anywhere on the internet for advice, nor am I really looking for any at the moment. Just sort of need to throw some shit out there and get some feedback.

Anyways, I found out over the phone on Thanksgiving that my father left my mother. They were high school sweethearts, have been married for over 25 years, etc. My dad apparently packed up all of shit shit secretly, acted like he was going to work, and then just didn't come back. I know that he is staying in the town where his office is, but do not know where.

He just turned 50. He is a pretty big deal at his company, and recently moved to the executive headquarters, but for some reason went from a giant office to a tiny cubicle because they ran out of room or some shit. That clearly ate away at him. I hate this company and think it is run by retards, but that is besides the point.

He told me he has been unhappy and wants to just get away, everyone would be better off without him.

My mother on the other hand seems to think he has been depressed for a while, and for some reason feels like he hasn't gotten what he wanted out of life. Arguing at home, stress at work, lack of invigoration in his life, and just turning 50 somehow just pushed him over the brink.

Now, I know he is proud of me, but my family also seems to think he is jealous because he never got to live the life I have. I think that is retarded, but either way I am trying to convince him that he is out of his mind and that doing what he did is not going to make things better.

So has anyone else had a parent that did something similar, or at least gone through something similar and can relate? I've always looked up to my dad, never questioned him, and followed every bit of advice he ever gave me. It is sort of difficult to tell him that he is fucking up and needs to get his shit together.

Good advice actually, thanks.

sorry :/

your mom's lived with him for 25 yrs, so if she has reason to think he really could be depressed then it's something you need to take seriously.. just the fact that he thinks the world is better off without him to the point that he would leave his wife suggests to me that there's something more than some silly little mid-life crisis going on

Yes, that is what I was thinking as well. He of course would never tell me something like that, as he always acts completely normal around me. I think that he is seriously depressed.

I grew up w/o a dad around, so unfortunately I can't comment on the Father/Son relationship role.. I agree with Queen that your Mother has probably seen to the heart of the matter though.

Have you actually spoken to your Dad about this yet? If not than it might not hurt to give him a call and ask if you can't meet up with him somewhere for a chat over coffee/lunch. It may not be easy to do, but it should hopefully go a long way towards getting to the root of, and fixing, whatever has recently overcome him.

Don't pass judgement, don't question his motives, just show him that you are genuinely interested in understanding what is going on with him. Then sit back and just listen. *If* he is seriously depressed than having somebody there who cares about him, and he cares about, for him to share his difficulty with should go a LOOOONNNGGGG way towards helping him recover and either A) come back, or B) come to terms with his life and move on, happily. I think it's fairly common for depressed people to feel isolated and alone. No matter how hard you try you can't *make* somebody feel differently when they are like this. You can be there, and guide them into *realizing* that they aren't alone though, and people do actually care about them as opposed to who they project themselves to be in the public eye.


The closest thing to a father figure I ever had was a crusty old retired USMC Colonel who ran the Barracks I lived in at boarding school, when I was in 6th grade. One thing he told me has always stuck with me: "Oftentimes in life, when you have a tough decision to make, the hardest thing to follow through with is the right thing to do."

Sounds like a mid life crisis, to me. My dad's been starting into his too, he's 49. And he's been throwing *the* word around for awhile. He's just not happy with work, then he comes to the same boring house, with the same people, and the same everything.

Getting dad to open up is really hard. Invite him to some manly event and use that as the start to crack the nut. My dad and I really start to open up more when we work on cars, but maybe you'd have better luck with nachos and billiards?

Sorry to hear what is going down 2ndgen. It sounds like your father just wants some time to himself to deal with what ever is going on in his life. Unfortunatly sometimes when people see the need to tackle personal obsticles they push their loved ones away from them. I would'nt take it personally.

well. similar thing happened to my dad... except the cause was obvious. he hated my mom so much he couldn't stand to be on the same continent as her, so he retired and moved back to taiwan.

in all seriousness, being his son you should be in a unique position to help with this. but, in some ways you might not be the right person to help him out now, especially if what you say about jealousy and all that is true.

Well I never come here or anywhere on the internet for advice, nor am I really looking for any at the moment. Just sort of need to throw some shit out there and get some feedback.
That's looking for advice. :)


All-in-all, I think he's questioning himself and his decisions... which in my opinion is a great thing. Why shouldn't he? If the marriage, and the life he has lived thus far isn't what he truly wanted, then how genuine is it all anyway? The sad part is, if this is in fact the case, he has hurt others by waiting so long to do this. I'd say the odds are with him finding out that the live he just left is what he wanted, and that there really isn't much out there beyond a wife and family. I think his ego has been hurt... by the somewhat office demotion, possibly your success, and getting old. He possibly feels trapped. We had the discussion of how people get in the business world, they lose their sense of self-identity. I think the long-term solution is him facing himself, questioning the importance of his priorities, and finding what truly does matter to him. If he makes the right move, everyone in your family will probably be glad that it all happened.

If you're asking what YOU should do. I'm not sure, his character plays a large role in how you and your family should react. If it were me and my dad, I'd find him. Fuck anything and everything else that's preventing that... it damn sure wouldn't be worth it to me. Sometimes doing nothing isn't an option. If you do whatever you can to help him, you'll have no guilt and nothing to regret. I don't think the sidelines is the place to be in this game... go to his work, follow him to wherever he's staying. I'd reinforce the idea to my mother that abandoning him now (if she's thinking that, which is natural for her to for her own protection) isn't what you do to people you love. Their darkest days are the times we're most needed to shine.

Or give vert $15 and he'll find every bit of information out about him and where he lives... sorry, had to! :)

Or give vert $15 and he'll find every bit of information out about him and where he lives... sorry, had to! :)

:asshole::bigthumb:

My parents were legally separated since I was 8. Just recently, they got divorced. It sucks to hear about your situation, but at least you had your father around for your development. You turned out pretty good financially which leads me to believe (and I may be wrong) that your parents helped you out along the way which is all you can ask for.

I agree with wot that it sounds like a stereotypical mid-life crisis. It most certainly seems like a bit of depression as well. The best thing that you can do (and hopefully your mother does in her own way on her own accord) is to convey to him that he did a good job raising you and that you are proud of his life's achievements and successes. A little gratitude goes a long way to someone in his apparent situation.

testosterone levels in men drop dramatically beginning around that time, which understandably could lead to other shit getting thrown out of whack and simply not feeling like a "man" anymore, so that's what worries me.. it MAY just be a phase that's all in his head which will work itself out, or it could be something out of his control (and judging by your mom's concern about ongoing depression, like I said, I'd take that seriously because it CAN be treated, but it takes a little more than just "reassurance"). nevertheless, let him know that you're there for him and don't judge him, because the last thing he needs to be doing is isolating himself.. and if you get the impression that he needs to see someone about it, then try to convince him to. there's no sense in living like that if possible remedies exist

I can kind of relate to his said feeling though. I think it's pretty common to desire more no matter how much you have (or don't have) and to always feel a sense that you didn't accomplish enough, amass enough wealth, etc. All you can do is be there for him. Maybe encourage him in the direction that he's 50 now. He should do what makes him happy. Pick up a hobby possibly. I'm just throwing ideas out there so take with a grain of salt.

I can kind of relate to his said feeling though. I think it's pretty common to desire more no matter how much you have (or don't have) and to always feel a sense that you didn't accomplish enough, amass enough wealth, etc. All you can do is be there for him. Maybe encourage him in the direction that he's 50 now. He should do what makes him happy. Pick up a hobby possibly. I'm just throwing ideas out there so take with a grain of salt.
I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Reject the basic assumption of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions!

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.



I had to... but pretty much, as a society we've been forced to believe that we are inadequate as humans and failures if we do not live in a $500k house, drive an $80k car, and buy a bunch of shit we don't need. Lots of people have become slaves to these concepts. They spend their every waking minute letting life pass them by as they scrounge for every dollar that they can to buy things they don't NEED. Where's that leave you?

"The things you own, they end up owning you."

so what, are you supposed to become Gandhi and go live in a goddamn mud hut, ignoring the fact that your family needs to be supported? since when does your career HAVE to be your identity? you can whine about it and wait for happiness to smack you in the face, or you can realize that most people hate their fucking jobs. plenty of people are truly happy and pick up the trash every morning; it's only an obstacle to your happiness if you LET it be. society isn't oppressing you; YOU'RE oppressing you. you don't have to like your job, but you do have to fucking eat, am I right

I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Reject the basic assumption of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions!

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.



I had to... but pretty much, as a society we've been forced to believe that we are inadequate as humans and failures if we do not live in a $500k house, drive an $80k car, and buy a bunch of shit we don't need. Lots of people have become slaves to these concepts. They spend their every waking minute letting life pass them by as they scrounge for every dollar that they can to buy things they don't NEED. Where's that leave you?

"The things you own, they end up owning you."

Good post. I'm in a position making shit right now. I say to myself, well if I was making this much, I could become a home-owner, afford to finance a car (not 80k one, but something cheap and new like a GTI), and have some gadgets, toys and money for leisure. Once I get all this shit, it will be something else. When I get the GTI, I'll want the R32, when I get the R32, I'll want the Audi S4, then the Porsche. It's the natural progression of greed. I can say as much as I want that I just want to be comfortable financially. It may be true now, but will it be when I am actually comfortable financially? Probably not. We yearn for more, we expect better. This is one of man's greatest downfalls. People who make shit money and claim to be happy piss me off though. Maybe it's the greedy jew in me, but whenever I see guys who graduate from Harvard Law School go work in public interest and make 30k when they could make 5 times that and then claim they did it because it's the field they really wanted to work in, I get pissed off. I don't know why. Can't really explain it entirely.

so what, are you supposed to become Gandhi and go live in a goddamn mud hut, ignoring the fact that your family needs to be supported? since when does your career HAVE to be your identity? you can whine about it and wait for happiness to smack you in the face, or you can realize that most people hate their fucking jobs. plenty of people are truly happy and pick up the trash every morning; it's only an obstacle to your happiness if you LET it be. society isn't oppressing you; YOU'RE oppressing you. you don't have to like your job, but you do have to fucking eat, am I right

Right. Very true and good post.

Good post. I'm in a position making shit right now. I say to myself, well if I was making this much, I could become a home-owner, afford to finance a car (not 80k one, but something cheap and new like a GTI), and have some gadgets, toys and money for leisure. Once I get all this shit, it will be something else. When I get the GTI, I'll want the R32, when I get the R32, I'll want the Audi S4, then the Porsche. It's the natural progression of greed. I can say as much as I want that I just want to be comfortable financially. It may be true now, but will it be when I am actually comfortable financially? Probably not. We yearn for more, we expect better. This is one of man's greatest downfalls. People who make shit money and claim to be happy piss me off though. Maybe it's the greedy jew in me, but whenever I see guys who graduate from Harvard Law School go work in public interest and make 30k when they could make 5 times that and then claim they did it because it's the field they really wanted to work in, I get pissed off. I don't know why. Can't really explain it entirely.

People want money, because they think it will bring them happiness. No matter what you're chasing, you're chasing it because you think it will make you happy. For many people today, they believe money will make them happy mainly due to society glorifying it, and things like rap videos gloating that the money makes them happy. They chose happiness over money, this is probably why they went to harvard, they're intelligent enough to figure all of this out.

People want money, because they think it will bring them happiness. No matter what you're chasing, you're chasing it because you think it will make you happy. For many people today, they believe money will make them happy mainly due to society glorifying it, and things like rap videos gloating that the money makes them happy. They chose happiness over money, this is probably why they went to harvard, they're intelligent enough to figure all of this out.

I want to find a balance of being happy with money. I plan on getting into consumer advocacy law because I personally hate seeing people fucked by:

-Sketchy hole in the wall car dealers who see Hurricane Katrina flood damage cars.
-Credit reporting agencies. These fuckers suck. You know how difficult it is to prove to them that you were the victim of ID theft? Even if you dispute a debt on an account that was created when you were 6 years old, they verify it as being your debt. This shit has to change or these companies should have to pay big bucks for fucking people's livelihood up.

I don't want (like I said before, this may change as time progresses) to make a crapload of money. I do however want to be compensated fairly for my time. I also believe now (and it may change as time progresses, unfortunately) that this is something I am pretty passionate about and can be happy doing. At least I will be able to have the feeling of self accomplishment after getting someone's credit identity fixed up (or so I think now).

But I feel you. You don't need insane amounts of cash to be happy. I hold this also to be true. I do however agree with Queen that one's needs must be provided for.

2nd Gen's father may be having regrets in this regard. He did well financially in life, but he may be questioning how his legacy will be remembered. Will he be remembered for his financial achievements or for personal ones? I think people who get money develop a sense of this 'alarm' so to speak. Did he help you get through High School 2nd Gen? Did he help you through college and your MBA? If so, please let him know. Assure him that he not only had terrific financial achievements, but that he also raised you to be the man you are today and that he should take the highest level of pride in that fact.

Sorry to hear about this. I'm sure your father is just reflecting on his life, and feeling as if his accomplishments don't measure up to his goals/dreams. Once he realizes that he should be proud of his wife, son, family, etc.. he will hopefully return to normal.

I'm not saying you should be worried, but it's worth mentioning, do you have any reason to suspect infidelity?

I wonder if the same people who today realize that possessions are not important will become depressed when they are middle aged and think to themselves that they've just been spouting off a bunch of hippie bullshit all these years.

-Credit reporting agencies. These fuckers suck. You know how difficult it is to prove to them that you were the victim of ID theft? Even if you dispute a debt on an account that was created when you were 6 years old, they verify it as being your debt. This shit has to change or these companies should have to pay big bucks for fucking people's livelihood up.


I worked for one a couple of years ago and all it takes is for the company that reports the debt to the credit agency to make the correction. Is it that different in the US or do you not know what you are talking about?

I worked for one a couple of years ago and all it takes is for the company that reports the debt to the credit agency to make the correction. Is it that different in the US or do you not know what you are talking about?

In the US, the company furnishing the debt has 30 days to answer a dispute made by a consumer to the credit reporting agency. The company furnishing the debt ultimately makes the decision of whether or not the debt is accurate and in turn relays the information to the credit reporting agency. How is the Credit Reporting Agency responsible you may ask? Well let's see, if the debt is not yours and you were 6 when the account was opened, shouldn't the bureau take the initiative/responsibility to remove it instead of going to the company to have them verify it as accurate? Couldn't one argue that the Credit Reporting Agency acts negligently by not investigating the debt properly themselves which they are required by law to do under the United States Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA)?

So to answer your question, yes the original company can correct, but they very often do not. They as well as the CRA are legally responsible. See Cortez v. TransUnion for more information.

Also, ask me how I know that the companies don't remove the debts. I personally was the victim of ID theft and disputed to the CRAs and companies countless times stating I do not have a mortgage on a house in Glendale California, I do not have a Home Equity Loan on said house, I do not have thousands of dollars worth of debt, and I did not buy said house and establish said lines of credit at age six. The companies confirmed the debts as valid to the CRAs, the companies themselves told me to take it up with the CRAs when I did what you mention (which was actually my very first step). Well, Equifax actually realized I was the victim of ID theft and cleared everything, but TransUnion and Experian did not. They got sued by me for some pretty big cash as a result, along with various creditors and debt collectors. I got sick and tired of the headache of calling up the creditors and the CRAs and getting nowhere, so I lawyered up. Amazingly after doing this, they not only fixed my credit (which they should have done from the get go), but they also ponied up quite a bit of dough to me and for my attorney's legal fees as a result of their negligence. Figures they had people like you working there though. :bigthumb:

Thanks for playing though. We have some wonderful consolation prizes for you.

*ding* *ding* *ding*

Round 1! vert vs. ark man in an endless do-loop, off topic discussion

Ha! Take note of who started between him and I. I saw the thread unfortunately getting sidetracked prior. I apologize to 2nd Gen for undermining his thread, which is more important than bickering. Ark's own stupidity to chime in with such a fucking stupid post to me in this thread is insulting and insensitive to the situation though. Go start a smacktalk thread Ark if you want to derail a thread and get owned like you usually do by czar because he's smarter than you.

In the US, the company furnishing the debt has 30 days to answer a dispute made by a consumer to the credit reporting agency. The company furnishing the debt ultimately makes the decision of whether or not the debt is accurate and in turn relays the information to the credit reporting agency. How is the Credit Reporting Agency responsible you may ask? Well let's see, if the debt is not yours and you were 6 when the account was opened, shouldn't the bureau take the initiative/responsibility to remove it instead of going to the company to have them verify it as accurate? Couldn't one argue that the Credit Reporting Agency acts negligently by not investigating the debt properly themselves which they are required by law to do under the United States Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA)?

There would literally be hundreds of millions of files. They're just supposed to investigate on a whim? Regardless of whether or not there is an error, they still need the company that reported the error to them to admit that an error was in fact made. I could see that you have a point if we were talking about information from one person's file got accidently transposed to another person's file, then that would be an error on the part of the credit bureau, but this isn't the case with fraud.

So to answer your question, yes the original company can correct, but they very often do not. They as well as the CRA are legally responsible. See Cortez v. TransUnion for more information.

Why wouldn't your beef be with them then? Here's the thing about this Vert, even if the credit agency realizes that account 1 from company A is fraud and removes it from your file, that exact account will come right back when company A reports it to the credit bureau at their next reporting period. I've actually seen this happen first hand. Going after the credit bureaus is pretty stupid IMO.

Also, ask me how I know that the companies don't remove the debts. I personally was the victim of ID theft and disputed to the CRAs and companies countless times stating I do not have a mortgage on a house in Glendale California, I do not have a Home Equity Loan on said house, I do not have thousands of dollars worth of debt, and I did not buy said house and establish said lines of credit at age six. The companies confirmed the debts as valid to the CRAs, the companies themselves told me to take it up with the CRAs when I did what you mention (which was actually my very first step). Well, Equifax actually realized I was the victim of ID theft and cleared everything, but TransUnion and Experian did not. They got sued by me for some pretty big cash as a result, along with various creditors and debt collectors. I got sick and tired of the headache of calling up the creditors and the CRAs and getting nowhere, so I lawyered up. Amazingly after doing this, they not only fixed my credit (which they should have done from the get go), but they also ponied up quite a bit of dough to me and for my attorney's legal fees as a result of their negligence. Figures they had people like you working there though. :bigthumb:

Yupp, I bet that whole story is exactly as you tell it, no exagerations needed right. You really want to try and tell me that someone took your identity and got a mortgage with it? :rolleyes: Having worked in the fraud department in Trans Union, I can honestly say that I've seen fraudulent accounts corrected by creditors literally hundreds of times (note that I'm not just saying this to win an argument). I don't doubt that situations as you have described above have occurred (not exactly as you have though, because I have never seen anyone fraudlently get a mortgage before) but they are rare. Regardless, the burden should be on the creditors, not the bureau itself.

Thanks for playing though. We have some wonderful consolation prizes for you.

Oh cool, you're filling in for Skydivr now...

Ha! Take note of who started between him and I. I saw the thread unfortunately getting sidetracked prior. I apologize to 2nd Gen for undermining his thread, which is more important than bickering. Ark's own stupidity to chime in with such a fucking stupid post to me in this thread is insulting and insensitive to the situation though. Go start a smacktalk thread Ark if you want to derail a thread and get owned like you usually do by czar because he's smarter than you.

Right, because I'm the one who started the "why I want to be a lawyer" crap.

Right, because I'm the one who started the "why I want to be a lawyer" crap.

Justification of a job in regards to happiness. Evidently, reading comprehension isn't a strong point of Canadian academia.

Seriously, I'm done with this shit. I'm trying to help a guy out and you have to be a dick. Fuck this.

Nah, this thread was about 2ndGen. venting about the situation with his father, and like usual, you turn it into a thread about yourself. How exactly is you telling everybody why you want to become a big successful lawyer in anyway what-so-ever supportive of the orginal post? He asked for feedback, not everyone's unrelated personal story. If you can't see that you constantly do this then I acutally feel kind of sorry for you.

For my part though, I've thread-jacked this even moreso. I have a tendency to do that.

Seriously, I'm done with this shit. I'm trying to help a guy out and you have to be a dick. Fuck this.

oh snap! Whatever will he do without the pretend legal advice?

2ndGen: sorry for the bullshit above, this sounds like a pretty complicated situation where there likely are no true right ansywers. That being said, if I were in your situation, I'd allow your dad some time and space to figure things out for himself. That is, of course, unless you fear that his current state of mind could lead him to hurt himself. If this is the case, then I'd try to intervene through any means necessary.

I know, not very good advice, just trying to make up for my posts above.

Nah, this thread was about 2ndGen. venting about the situation with his father, and like usual, you turn it into a thread about yourself. How exactly is you telling everybody why you want to become a big successful lawyer in anyway what-so-ever supportive of the orginal post? He asked for feedback, not everyone's unrelated personal story. If you can't see that you constantly do this then I acutally feel kind of sorry for you.

For my part though, I've thread-jacked this even moreso. I have a tendency to do that.

Listen you idiot, if you can't tell that Queen, Zero, and I were discussing happiness in relation to life achievements in regards to a fucking career and money, then you are a fucking retard. If you don't see the correlation, you are a fucking retard. You might as well just be a fucking retard. I was explaining how his father's said situation parallels mine in life.

LEARN TO FUCKING READ, YOU ASSHAT!

Listen you idiot, if you can't tell that Queen, Zero, and I were discussing happiness in relation to life achievements in regards to a fucking career and money, then you are a fucking retard. If you don't see the correlation, you are a fucking retard. You might as well just be a fucking retard. I was explaining how his father's said situation parallels mine in life.

Yeah, that's why Queen started talking about being a doctor, and Zero started talking about... oh wait...

LEARN TO FUCKING READ, YOU ASSHAT!

Maybe you are right about that one. I mean, I read this:

Seriously, I'm done with this shit. I'm trying to help a guy out and you have to be a dick. Fuck this.

and for some crazy reason I get this idea that you're done with this thread, as in you won't be posting in it anymore. Weird, huh? Oh well, chalk it up to my lousy education then...

Did Queen or Zero say that the said situation paralelled their own? Seriously man; I won't offer my opinions. I'll be done with this forum. Peace.

MEANWHILE....
i have no answers for you, 2ndGen. I dont want to guess..

Did Queen or Zero say that the said situation paralelled their own? Seriously man; I won't offer my opinions. I'll be done with this forum. Peace.

Can I put that in my sig?

Yes, the things you own end up owning you.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I haven't been able to get in touch with him, I've been trying to take care of my mom from 1000 miles away. Going to call him tonight and just level with him, but it is probably going to be difficult. Never given my dad advice, I've always taken it from him since he is who I looked up to and assumed had the answer to everything. I wrote down a list of shit today that he needs to hear, so hopefully he will be receptive. I have a feeling he will listen to me above everyone else.

2ndGen,
If you are going to ask questions, why not start by asking him, when was the last time he had a good night sleep? I would expect his answer to be around 7 years.

Sorry to hear about your situation brother. I hope that everything works out for you in the end my friend. :)

I did not however read through the rest of the thread, so I don't know if things have changed for you or not.



Fuck yeah nigga! 2 posts up in this bitch!

sad to hear about this dude. hopefully you get it figured out.

I will say this, parents do get jealous of their children. Sometimes they feel that they wasted their younger years raising the child only to see the child go on and follow their dreams rather then do "their duty."

Good luck with whatever comes your way.

A man's only as good as his legacy. How's your dad's legacy?

It looks to be pretty good, well half of it at least.

Well I talked to my dad for a while, and wow. I know there are always two sides to a story, but holy shit I was not expecting that. Apparently there are a lot of things that I did not know. He was totally calm and collected however, exactly how he always is, and assured me that he has thought all of this through for a long time. After hearing what I did, I definitely have a different take on things.

so he had a good reason to leave your mom? I don't know if that makes things better or worse for you :T

Yeah, don't really want to get into any details, but from what I was told there were multiple good reasons. He clearly thought this out, weighed the consequences, and made a rational decision.

Fair play then.

On another note... I think this forum, and a few people on it have changed for the better since a couple of years ago.

Hope everything works out.

2gen....maybe I can add something from a different perspective....

I'm one of those older men (relatively for this place anyway, and I know I'm not alone, but...) and had a very similar experience some years ago. In my case, it was me who was doing it- not my dad.

After I got out of the Army I went on the road driving trucks. That put me in an environment which was completely different from what I was used to. I went people all around me to virtual isolation on a day to day basis. That gave me time to think about many things and eventually, my thoughts came to a point where everything I had built over the previous 15 years or so wasn't worth a shit. Nothing I had was in line with any of my goals in life at the time. I left home, moved to a different state, found a new woman, grew my hair and face out, and lived very differently from what I had been over the previous decade or so. In my mind, I was free to pursue everything I wanted to that I was held back from before.

The trouble was, my mind wasn't right at the time, either. So in a way, I can understand where he is at, but from what you recently wrote, his mind seems to be right.

Anyway, eventually I got my shit together and made it out of my rut. But during that time, you really question everything around you- who you are, what everything around you means, etc...
You also begin to realize that your years are now limited and you have to decide just what to do with what you have left. During that time period, you really begin to find out who you are as compared to who you think you are. Once you figure that much out, you are usually fine. The bad part is that it does take time and nothing anyone says to you then will matter. It's up to you to get things straight. For some reason, nothing else matter- no cries from your family, no advice from friends....nothing.

From the outside, it just looks like you are either going crazy or suddenly overcome with selfishness. They whip out terms like "mid life crisis" but sometimes it's simply not that simple. Few understand the inner turmoil that you are going through and you certainly don't feel like opening up and letting anyone else inside. As much as you want to, there's simply no one else out there that can help until your mind is right. Once you have it straight in your head though, things come out alright in the end.

I hope everything works out for him, and for you and your family. Take care man.

That's a rut? I question everything around me, who I am, and what everything around me means... and have for a long time.

Well, that's true too, but it was a bad time for me to get engulfed in it, I guess. One day everything seems fine and in order, and the next things that seemed right are wrong, blah blah. Just a bad time, that's all.

Yeah, don't really want to get into any details, but from what I was told there were multiple good reasons. He clearly thought this out, weighed the consequences, and made a rational decision.

It's a total bummer that he had good reasons, though.

glad it sort of worked out in the end