Well this thread was inspired in part by Alex's wonderful stories about Kapplesauce's pants getting a free paint job.

If you have any funny stories or things you just want to get off your chest or what not, feel free.

Mine isn't that funny so we have lots to improve on but was what came to mind instantly.

Well back in the spring 2006 semester, I was taking a Human Biology course. There was this freaky looking emo bitch in the class who sat I think 3 seats to the right of me (big multi level lecture hall). Her name was Susan.

Well I think the class was at 1 PM after a 2 or 3 hour break between classes so I would be chilling out in my car and she would frequently be chilling in hers which oddly enough was close to mine. Well back in 2006 I had my GTI with the killer sound system so I guess one day she caught me blasting some Disturbed or something (some band that she liked) and it intrigued her enough to come over and start up some conversation. I had thought she was kind of cute in an emo sort of way, but never let it progress from that. Anyways, she came to my window started talking to me blah blah. Found out we went to the same High School together. knew some of the same people etc. Well one thing leads to another so she wants to hop in the passenger seat and listen to music (don't worry this doesn't get kinky or anything). Listening to music, and her and I talking, leads her to wanting to learn how to drive the GTI (5-speed). Well after she almost hits about 4 other cars, bucks the shit out of the car, and forgets to push the clutch in when braking in gear, she parks and we go to class.

Next few days we see each other in the smokers area and talk blah blah blah. We agree to exchange phone numbers in case one of us is out so we can get the assignments, notes and everything. Well, probably after about 3 weeks of the class, I guess she just decided to drop it. I never see her again but I still got her number.

Several months later in the summer after the semester is over, I am at my friend's birthday party and we are in his backyard camping out, having a fire, getting shit faced on vodka, and beer. After a few hours, I am completely fucking gone. Well boredom somehow leaves me to whip out the ole mobile phone and when looking at the numbers I see her name and number and think "Holy shit, I wonder what ever happened to her." Well I call her up drunk (drunk dialing ftw!) and she picks up. I had never called her before and I guess the bitch never put my number in her phone or I never gave it to her maybe but she didn't know who it was. Me being drunk, I was like "Is this Susan????" She's like "WHO IS THIS!?!?" I never told her and I hung up. Well I kept getting calls the entire night from her friends (maybe a boyfriend too) but I just kept fielding them. Well finally my friends start getting pissed off of her calling so much (phone ringing) and me answering, so I shut my phone off. Only problem (which I didn't think about) was now it cuts right to voicemail...and stupid me had my name on voicemail. So I was a mysterious person up until this point, but I was found out now. Well after they left one message they never called back.

Fast forward to today...2 years later.

Well...I am at the college gym because it's free and I'm poor. I'm walking to the locker rooms and who do I see? And who recognizes me right away!? Emo girl! She decides to go all crazy white girl on me. Like what the fuck is your problem, you're a stalker, you are an evil piece of shit, etc etc etc. Well without missing a beat, me in my infinite wisdom says "Listen you Emo Cunt, people normally don't give a shit what emo girls have to say. Why would that magically change when you are on the rag"?

Well her pale emo face turned to a beat red pretty fucking instantly and she stormed off. Needless to say, I don't think I will be jabbing that emo poon anytime soon. :(

OK, someone else go.

I... my life is pretty depressing, sorry.

So I decided to try a different approach to shaving my pubes Tuesday. Normally, I had been using my Gillette Fusion (Mach 3 Turbo prior to that) to shave my chest and pubes. I was doing this in the shower as needed and it would take about 45 minutes to an hour to get nice and smooth. Not only that, but I would use a ton of shaving gel.

Well Tuesday I found my ole set of cutting sheers. I went no guard and went to town. Don't worry; I didn't nick the twig and/or berries. I got a very tight trim with only miniscule hair left in the pubic area and my chest.

Yesterday, I decided to get some Nair Cream for Men just to do a final touch up of the area. It says specifically not to use on genitals, pubic area, or on nipples. It also says you should keep it on 8 minutes but absolutely no longer than 15 minutes.

Anyways, it says to apply a thick layer to the hairy area. So I decide what the hell and I glob it all over my chest, my nut sack, and my taint. I draw a bath in the interim thinking that by the time that fills up, it should have done it's work.

Well as promised, it does it's job (except for on the stubbly hair on and around my nut sack) so I rinse it off and away goes all the hair. SWEET!

Well after I get done with the bath and the shower, I go get dressed, throw some deodarant on, and some body spray on my chest...........

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!! It wasn't burning at all, but the alcohol in that body spray on my chest, felt like a difibrilator to the penis! Burned like hell!

An hour or 2 later, I notice that I have all these red spots on my chest. A probable allergic reaction.

Well, you think I would have learned my lesson last night with the body spray on my chest, but no. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. Out of force of habit, I do the same thing this morning only it hurts 5x as worse. I'm literally screaming like I got a paper cut to the nut sack, my dog is looking at me like "WTF M8!?!?!" After about 3 minutes, the pain subsides mostly although my chest is still burning.

For my police training, I will have to get sprayed with Mace and Tazed (I guess so when perps complain and say 'Man, you don't know how it feels,' we can say yes we do, but it's a requirement of most police academies) but I think I honestly got a good taste of how the Mace is going to be. :(

ill try and remember some... I have LOTS... but most involved me being hammered drunk so it will take some time to remember the good ones...

i am josh and some forum members got a kick out of some of my older "moments as my freinds say so i thought id share. i randomly end up with some weird things happening to or around me and they usually end up with hilarity for month or years to come when i get up with freinds. some are longer and some are just little funny incidents... enjoy

one of the best ones was a tractor incident...

I was going home from school and had two of my friends in the truck with me. i was talking about this time my older cousins and their freinds got stuck REALLY bad trying to mud on some land.. they called my dad and he went to get them out. it just so happens they picked my grandmothers land(other side of the family) and it was funny. 2 jeeps, one datsun and 4-5 full size trucks STUCK in the mud. my dad pulled them out.

the funny part as i fininsh the story and driving into the feild where they did it to show them the place i exclaim "SHHHIIIIITT". i just did the same thing! ok so im remembering how dumb my cousins looked and how my dad was NOT happy with me at the moment for another thing... i at the same time remember that the land is leased by a sod farm and the tractors have the keys left in them!

we hoof it accross 80 acres to the tractor. the tactor is a HUGE fucker of ford eleventy bilion make and model. it will literally pull anything! i get the keys and get on. my freinds sit on the tiny excuses for fenders above THE F_ING TIRES!!!. i crank it up and suddenly remember its been a while... gas, check...brake check... ok clutch in and we're off.

ok this is not going fast and we could have walked that fast so i decide im in a hurry and dont want to be late home before we get caught etc. this tractor in particular has four forward gears and then four more in a second range... i decide to go to fourth and go fast so we can get this over with... i didnt realize i had selected FUCKING 8TH GEAR FROM FIRST!!!.

said trackor started to die out... i was like oh shit... now i have to explain why i ran this damn thing out of gas... who leaves a tractor out of gas anyWHOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH. the tractor launched back after sputtering through that though process and leaped, no JUMPED into the air and bounced down at a 35 mile and hour run, quickly getting dangerous. my freinds were thrown into the roll bar and almost lost it into the SPINNING REAR TIRES. anyone ever seen fast and the furious where the charger launches and the frontend is up and the rears are lit up... YEAH, i was on a tractor doing that with a person on each fender!

i got the bunny hopping tractor under control and we got down to the truck... no chain and only a flimsy rope that snapped under the slightest strain. we drove up to the nearest neighbors house and asked for a chain. we looked for an hour around their farm and found nothing. i called my dad and finally explained the whole situation to him and he wasnt a happy camper, at this time my freind #1 walks up with the best looking farm chain ever!!! FUCK!! josh moment # 18753793793715917

lol. That sucks man.

Thats okay, I got stuck in a pond that was under construction and went to jail for felony destruction of personal property... (the bottom of the pond)

Thats okay, I got stuck in a pond that was under construction and went to jail for felony destruction of personal property... (the bottom of the pond)

....Is this a true story? Because if it is, it's pretty funny while pretty fucked up at the same time.

Police training?For or against?

For.

lol. That sucks man.

i got quite a few of those sort actually.

This is a pretty good one. Unless I've told it before.

About a year or so ago, me and my Amigo Kapplesauce frequented this little hep cat bar (the kind that is a coffee shop durring the day, has "art" on the walls and tries to attract, i don't even know what kind of clientele but certainly not me) There were these two bitches that bartended there and I always had a thing for this little blond one. She had a boyfriend, but was a wicked whore.

One night after the bar closed we took them both back to my house for one of those get shitty after hours kinda times. Anyway several hours and lots of liquor later it seems that bastard Kappelsauce is getting with the one I like (the hot one) So, like a true friend I slam about five beers in ten min. and go upstairs with the other one. I am 100% annihilated drunk by this point and things get kinda blurry.

So, Skip forward a few hours and I wake up next to this bitch, soaking wet and freezing cold. I HAD PISSED ALL OVER HER IN MY SLEEP! At first I figured it musta been her, but then I started to remember having to piss really bad..... and I quess I just passed out instead. Guilty, FUCK!

I'm still really drunk at this point but I remember getting out of bed, taking off all my clothes and wondering around for a while naked in the dark. Morning came and I was found by her sleeping naked in the middle of the floor under a towel. I got up, smoked a cig with them and they both left. Never saying a damn thing. This bitch slept all night in what was without a doubt a lake of my piss and never said a thing. amazed me so much we became pretty good friends from then out, till she moved away.

Here's a pic of the classy little dame from a few months after:

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/Alex-7/100_9237.jpg

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/Alex-7/100_9237.jpg
She's pretty good looking from that angle. I'm sure I would have slammed that even after pissing on it.

Any more pics?

She's pretty good looking from that angle. I'm sure I would have slammed that even after pissing on it.

Any more pics?

nah dammit. this was that nights alternative, damn kapplesauce:

Well... I don't have too many good stories.

In my dorm days, I changed in a hallway, black out drunk.

But I don't have any good stories off the top of my head.

Good story Alex. I have beer pissed on my girlfriend one time. It comes out clear after you drink a shit load of beer so more or less, it's just water and has no odor to it. My girlfriend only knew because she wasn't drinking and was instantly awoken by me pissing on her ass and legs. Her and I still joke about it to this day, and she always uses it to make fun of me in front of my friends and/or when I get flirtatious with a girl in her presence.

I know I have 9,000 that I could tell but only a few come to mind. I'll tell a few in a bit. I still haven't ate dinner though and it's going on 9:18.

was instantly awoken by me pissing on her ass and legs.

:rofl:

good times.

I piss on women in the shower and tell them to like it.

more or less, it's just water and has no odor to it.


It's a very preppy kinda piss.

It's a very preppy kinda piss.

popped collar starched in kinda piss.

It's not really funny, but definitley true:

The men in my family cook WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better than the women.

My brother and sister used to play dead when I was a kid just to torment me to see what I would do. I normally cried but I was like 4 or 5. Well, one day they did it and I think it was after I caught on slightly so I was like "quit joking get up and get me some fucking cookies." Well after 5 times of saying it, they wouldn't get up still. Holy shit...are they really dead? Did they kill one another? OH SHIT! OH SHIT! I was scared shitless so I called 911. I didn't know what else to do and I was 4 or 5. 911 took all the information and sent a crapload of paramedics, fire, rescue, police, and everyone's favorite....CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! (I'm sure I will use CPS in many future stories so take note of that. They were frequent visitors in my younger years). Well my father was home at the time "watching us" but he was probably drunk and passed out or something. Oh man did my mother give him hell when she got home...

Oh and my brother and sister weren't dead. Fuckers.

My brother and sister used to play dead when I was a kid just to torment me to see what I would do. I normally cried but I was like 4 or 5. Well, one day they did it and I think it was after I caught on slightly so I was like "quit joking get up and get me some fucking cookies." Well after 5 times of saying it, they wouldn't get up still. Holy shit...are they really dead? Did they kill one another? OH SHIT! OH SHIT! I was scared shitless so I called 911. I didn't know what else to do and I was 4 or 5. 911 took all the information and sent a crapload of paramedics, fire, rescue, police, and everyone's favorite....CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! (I'm sure I will use CPS in many future stories so take note of that. They were frequent visitors in my younger years). Well my father was home at the time "watching us" but he was probably drunk and passed out or something. Oh man did my mother give him hell when he got home...

Oh and my brother and sister weren't dead. Fuckers.

That's rich!

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/Alex-7/IMG_4246.jpg

Better than bread and butter imo.

Wot kind of looks like the dude from South Park's World of Warcraft episode.

Better than bread and butter imo.

Wot kind of looks like the dude from South Park's World of Warcraft episode.

Don't start.

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a289/Alex-7/IMG_4246.jpg

What's your point? At least I'm not a bed wetting boozer.

Don't start.

:owned:

LOL!

I just figured since you couldn't remember any life storys, I'd tell one for you.

LOL!

I just figured since you couldn't remember any life storys, I'd tell one for you.

I used to get bullied a lot in school, until I fought back. I'd get punched and kicked and it sucked, especially the name calling.

So one day, this kid, Aaron, would lay off, calling me fat and shoving me. So I punched him in the head, hard. He fell, his twin brother came to his aid. I grabbed a plastic baseball bat and hit him, after a struggle.

I didn't even get in trouble.

In HS, a kid tried starting some shit in phys ed. When we played basketball, I tripped him and he broke his nose.

Are you threatening me?

Lol

I'm telling life stories.

Keep 'em coming!

I once flirted with a male police officer.

I got off with a warning.

Keep 'em coming!

I got a gum job from the bitch with the fucked up teeth. :roll:

I got a gum job from the bitch with the fucked up teeth. :roll:

Did you get a tetanus shot, after?

I gave her two dollars and she put it in her cleavage.

So about a year ago I was going to this juice bar for some night caps after a long thursday (see my drinking thread for thursday nights). Well, I guess the barkeep, a female 33 y.o. named Denise think I am hot and enjoys giving me this shot called a hurricane...

hurricane= 1 shot bacardi 151 chased with a pint of water and a backhand to the face

well she is enjoying herself a bit much and keeps dragging me, literally dragging me behind the bar to splash water and slap the shit outta me.... well by this time i am absolutely soaked to the bone and being hammered drunk i remove my shirt to ring it out... well Denise decides to steal my shirt and punches me if i try to retrieve it...

hours later I am completely shithoused and so is she, so she calls her friend to give me a ride to my buddies house where i left my car and usually crash...

wake up in the morning without a shirt and my belt had somehow gone missing as well and i have a brutal hangover...

I have yet to get my shirt back...

i have some more ill add later... gotta get to the bar before 9

Once I farted, in middle school, and blamed it on the special kid.

This one time, I was having sex

I got a gum job from the bitch with the fucked up teeth. :roll:


You keep your hands off my 2$ bitch!!!!!

I will drive to ny and gobble your ass up!

You keep your hands off my 2$ bitch!!!!!

I will drive to ny and gobble your ass up!

She's my Gumby <3! I'll humble your ass in to the dirt! ::insert chopped pic of me with arms crossed in garaged::

I had an old school go-cart when I was living in Southern California. I was having problems with the clutch so I converted to direct drive. So you had to push start it to go. Well I went to push start the car and it ran over my shoelace and I fell to the ground, while the go-cart chugged down the road into my friends sister's car. It bent the steering wheel down from a 45 degree to a 30 degree angle. No big deal.

The next day my friend and I tearing through a construction site on the road doing 30 or so. He is right next to me. All of a sudden, steering wheel is in my hand. I look over at my friend and has the wtf look. All I could do was hit the brakes. Being a cheap go cart, it only had brakes on one wheel (left), so the gocart immediately veered left into the closet obstacle a Porty poddy. I slammed into doing around 25 or so. The only thing that saved me was that the door was on the other side.

My friend said when I hit it, the poddy almost fell on top of me, and slid around 10 feet. Of course, we opened the door and it was like a bomb exploded in the place. I guess my car hit right at the bottom of the tank. Luckily no one was in there.

Shit stories are always funny :roll:

A flying story. 3 of us in a small biz jet, empty except for 3 pilot seats. I was sitting directly behind the two pilots. I had to take a leak, didn't mention anything, and starting walking to the back of the plane. I took 5 steps, I am pinned to the ceiling, 2 seconds later I am flat on the floor. I struggle back to the front. Other pilots where laughing and say you have to check off before you get out of the seat.

Two days letter, I am flying. The ass who was flying (who got me) decided he had to go piss. He didn't check off. I wait about 15 seconds after he shuts the bathroom door. Rinse and repeat. He pissed all of the bathroom of that plane and on himself.

Broken smoke detector...high pitch alarm noise, placed under car. Cops show up get pissed take battery and leave.

New battery smoke detector placed in sewer = night of fun!

You know you are doing good, when puking after a 6 beer beer bong the beer is still cold on its way out

Was talking to this guy the other day. You've heard the expression "say it don't spray it". Talking to this person, it was like I was between Rosie O'Donnell's knees when they annouced the newest flavour of Hagen Das ice cream.


Okay, not a life story (in fact, it didn't even happen). Just wanted to use that Rosie O'Donnell line.

Oh and my brother and sister weren't dead. Fuckers.

How do you know? Did they pass the zombie test?

Yeah. Zombies can't open doors. Duh.