A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Virginia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.



The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"



The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Wisconsin."



Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."



His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"



The kid says, "One."



The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"



The kid says, "$112,237.64."



The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell him?!"



Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."



The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"



Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

My dearest wife - I’m sorry I lost my temper the other day and called you a cunt. Even though I was angry, that doesn’t give me the right to call you the most forbidden word in the English language. I could have at least toned it down and used a more acceptable term such as “snatch” or “twat.” My bad. I guess the point is that I shouldn’t call you any names. At all. Ever. I should be able to have a mature, intelligent discussion with you to iron out our disagreements without resorting to childish name-calling.

I’m really just lucky to have such a wonderful woman like you by my side. There should never be any reason for me to express my pent-up rage, considering how wonderful our life together is. I especially love listening to your stories. The way you can take a simple event, say for example, breaking a nail, and turn it into a 45-minute saga is amazing. You make the story so much more interesting by including every detail of your day. By including volumes of information that might, on the surface, seem irrelevant and entirely unrelated, you transform an otherwise boring 10-second sentence into a nail-biting oral mini-series. I’ve always said you should be a public speaker. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not paying attention sometimes. I promise to work on being a more active listener.

And I’m not just grateful for your conversational skills. I also recognize what an attractive and sexy woman you are. I don’t care if you’ve gained 60 pounds since we got married – just more of you to love. I don’t think that means that you have “let yourself go.” I think it just shows how confident you are about yourself – another thing I love about you. And the fact that we seldom have any sexual interaction just makes me anticipate it all the more. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to the hand job I get on our anniversary every year. And working with young, attractive, sexy women in the office every day doesn’t frustrate me or make me regret pledging my love and faithfulness to you until death do us part. Oh no. It just makes our annual tryst that much more special.

And when I was lucky enough to snare a prize such as yourself, little did I realize what a great package deal I was getting. By that, I mean your family, of course. I love spending every holiday with them. I don’t care if I haven’t seen my family since our wedding day. I would much rather watch your father get drunk to the point he becomes a physical danger to himself and others. He is SO funny. It’s like my own personal Jerry Springer show. Remember that Christmas he slapped your mother? Good times. I especially love his racist humor. He acts like he’s serious when he’s ranting about the downfall of American society that has been caused by “those people.” I always hate it when the night ends after the police arrive – they always ruin our fun.

Some of my jealous friends, although I don’t see them much since we got married, think it’s unfair that I work and you don’t. I try to explain to them that my six 12-hour-day work weeks are nothing compared to your responsibility of taking care of our beautiful children. Sure, the kids are in pre-school during the first half of the day and so what if we pay a nanny for the second half of the day - you need a break too! I’m just grateful that you are willing to take on that workload while I am at the office mostly surfing the net and taking three-hour lunches. You are a saint.

I can’t think of anything about you I don’t love. I guess if I had to complain about something, the only thing I can think of would be your cooking – not that you’re not a good cook. I appreciate you slaving over a hot stove so the kids and I can have a delicious meal every night. I’m just saying – does it have to be chicken every night? Surely there is enough money left from my paycheck for us to eat some red meat once in a while. I assume that as I don’t really ever see my paycheck. Or our bank accounts. Or maybe you could take a cooking class and learn just one new recipe – although I know your free time is very limited. I’m just saying it would be nice to eat something besides chicken – even if it’s just one day out of the year (maybe Thanksgiving). What’s that? I can cook for myself if I don’t like what you make? Well, I guess I could, but since I get home at around 8:00pm that seems kind of late, don’t you think? You don’t think you could maybe –? No? What? Why are you getting so upset? I’m a what? Listen – okay, that’s it. I’m going to bed! Cunt.

Posted: 7/17/2005 by: The Phat Phree Staff

It’s Top 50 time again! That’s right, it’s the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.

Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren’t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an “I’m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin’ niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch” kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alive—an Alberto Gonzales-approved-enemy-combatant-bring-you-back-from-the-dead-with-a-defibrillator-and-then-beat-you-some-more kind of working over—the kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer “24” shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.

Now, those kind of beatings aren't just handed out will-nilly. They have to be earned, and this group has paid in full.

General disclaimer: You won’t be seeing the names of some people who you might expect to see. There is no Striped Shirt guy, no Tom Cruise, but don’t think we forgot about them. More likely they fall into “The Top 50 People Who Need To Be Murdered.” Unfortunately, we can’t exactly put up a hit list on the internets. There are crazy people out there. That being said, do not go out and start beating people up, or at least don’t tell the police we told you to do it if you get caught. All we're saying here is that these folks are begging for a life altering physical experience.

Okay, let’s get to it…Nurse, please hand me the pliers.


#50- Pauly Shore
What could have possibly convinced anyone that we needed more Pauly Shore? I thought we were done with this guy ten years ago. No one was sitting at home thinking, “I wonder what Pauly Shore is up to.” But yet there he is on my television saying he will send me money if I don’t like his new reality show where he runs the Comedy Store. I know you are thinking, “isn’t putting Paulie Shore in charge of the Comedy Store like letting Billy Graham run a whorehouse?” I hear you.

You know what Pauly, keep your money. You’re going to need it more than I do.

#49- Cats
Okay. There’s no sound argument against cats needing a pounding, but there’s a common misconception that cats are actually their own species. In reality, cats are just really gay dogs.

#48- Tony Robbins
Ok, we get it! You're successful, and you're organized. Good for you. Not all of us have a brain the size of a Volkswagen inside a freakishly large head. You ever think that maybe 61-hours of audio books isn’t going to help some unemployed garbage man watching E! at 4am? Get a real job and stop fleecing stupid people out of their unemployment checks.

#47- Pat Robertson
Facts are Pat Robertson's kryptonite. He hates them more that Jews, Gays, and Muslims combined.

#46- Katie Couric
Hey Katie, when you're bound and gagged in the trunk of my car, will you still have that egg-suck grin plastered to your face?

#45- Ed Begley, Jr.
Just look at him!!!

#44- Larry Miller
Most people outside of Los Angeles, probably don’t know who I am talking about when I say "Larry Miller, owner of Sit ‘n Sleep," but substitute your own local radio/tv pitchman spouting the most obnoxious and annoying commercial lines they can fucking think of. Let me tell you how much I hate Larry Miller. My car radio was stolen several months ago, and I haven’t replaced it in large part because I don’t ever again want to hear that shameless fuck scream, “…or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEEE!”

#43- Don King
The worst thing to happen to boxing ever- Don King still has a beating coming to him for the employee he stomped to death back in 1966 over a $600 debt. He was sentenced to life in prison, but it was reduced in a backroom deal with the Judge. Don also killed a man in 1954 by shooting him in the back. He was never charged with a crime, but the circumstances regarding his vindication are rather shady.

#42- Bill Maher
Quite possibly the smarmiest asshole on the planet. And he's as "libertarian" as my nutsack.

#41- David Spade
At this point, a beat down may be unnecessary since he gets his ass kicked at the box office every time one of his shitty movies comes out. Lucky for Spade, he can do commercials until he’s old enough to be on "Hollywood Squares".

#40- That Clerk at Blockbuster
Yeah, I know American Pie 2 fucking sucks but I'm going to watch it anyway. Stop giving me that disappointed look you pretentious prick.

#39- Joe Namath
This drunk never-was had one good game in his whole pathetic career, and now we are subjected to his hard-luck story about a drinking problem? Fuck you Joe.

#38- Marc Anthony
This is the guy who divorced his Miss Universe wife who had just had his baby 16 months earlier to get with Jennifer Lopez. That’s right. Crazy as shit Jennifer “I have to get married to someone immediately” Lopez. This guy really needs some sense beat into him. J-Lo is one-time ride, period. You do not bring a woman like that home. Ever.

#37- Steven Tyler
There was a commercial that was on television not too long ago, where a bunch of 30-something women were having lunch and Steven Tyler walked in. They all clamored to get to their digital cameras so they could take his picture. Steven Tyler. The guy looks a cross between a battered wife and large mouth bass, not to mention he is almost 60 years old! You can’t tell me there are women out there who still get moist at the sight of this guy.

#36- Skip Bayless
The Professional Hater. It is one thing to dish out humorous hate on a comedy site. It is a very different thing to do it for real under the guise of credible journalism. Skip is just a punk who can’t craft an interesting story without resorting to blatant bashing and baiting. Do your fucking job and cover sports like a sportswriter, you sensationalist hack.

#35- John Stamos
Stamos! Why won’t you go away like Bob Saget and Dave Coulier? Nice haircut by the way.

#34- Kenny Rogers
This Texas Rangers pitcher recently assaulted two cameramen who had the audacity to film him during the on field warm ups prior to a game. This was just days after he missed a start due to punching a defenseless water cooler. If there is any justice, Kenny will be beaten repeatedly with water coolers until he gets his “anger issue” sorted out.

#33- Corey Feldman
Anyone who ever dressed like Michael Jackson, including Michael Jackson, deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life.

#32- James Lipton
“And then you made the magnificent Ocean’s Twelve, a master work. Tell us all about that George Clooney.” Lipton, you pretentious, melodramatic ass, they are movies for shit’s sake. Let’s show a modicum of perspective here. You are talking to a movie star, not fucking Rembrandt.

#31- Toby Keith I don't necessarily agree with this one
How do I like you now? Not very much. Hey Toby, you fat redneck piece of shit, if you like "kickin' ass" in the Middle East so much, why don't you put down that guitar, pick up a gun, and enlist? What’s that you say? "I can’t join up. They drive Hummers and I'm a Ford Truck Man…That's all I Dryeeeve."

#30- Oprah
You mean to tell me you had the opportunity to call Tom Cruise out on his creepy fake-romance with a girl who used to have his posters on her wall as a child and you didn’t do it? Unforgivable. Do everyone a favor and put “How to Give Great Head” on your book list. Imagine how much more pleasant this country would be if all those chubby housewives were at least handling their business in the bedroom.

#29- Ray Romano
I don’t know a single person who loves Raymond. In fact, most people I know hate Raymond.

#28- Paul McCartney
Wings?! What the fuck, man? You were in the Beatles. The fucking Beatles! And for the love of all that’s holy, please stop playing “Hey Jude.” Someone needs to beat this guy with his new wife’s wooden leg.

#27- Esther aka Madonna
Madonna used to be considered hot…Not by me, but by a lot of people. Now she just looks old and insists on making a spectacle of herself by changing her name and joining another Hollywood religious fad. The people who are actually believers in these religions must hate when celebrities “convert” and make their faith a punchline. Now, she is “writing” children’s books? Seriously, Esther, you were an oversexed pop harlot for 20 years, you can’t just change your name and start writing kids' books. Unacceptable.

#26- My Buddy Jim's Student Loan Officer
That guy won't stop calling the house. He knows you can’t get a job with a degree from Kent State what does he expect? This guy seems to think he's working for some leg breaker in Brooklyn… look pal, Jim’ll pay you when he has the money. Chill out.

#25- Stephen A. Smith Whoever he is
Does this guy ever NOT yell about the topic he is discussing? He’s like, “I tried to get a box of Tag-A-Longs from a girl scout the utha day….and she was ALL OUT! Clearly, this is not a case of her not havin’ any Tag-A-Longs….it was obviously a matta of her not wanting to sell her Tag-A-Longs to a BLACK MAN! Okay? I promise you ‘dat!”

#24- George Lopez
How does this guy still work? He is the most unapologetic joke cribber of all-time. I mean really, he is so brazen about it that after the success of “The Original Kings of Comedy” he went out and did “The Original Latin Kings of Comedy.” I hear he is putting together a sketch show where he has a sketch in which he plays Ritchie Valens and goes around slapping people and yelling, “¡Soy Ritchie Valens, puta!”

#23- Skipping this one. Guess I should have read the whole thing first huh??

#22- The Bachelors and Bachelorettes
These people completely lack any discernable talent that might otherwise gain them the attention they so desperately desire, so they sign up to date similarly vile people on television. Who is watching these fucking shows? Seriously, your life can’t possibly be that boring that an hour of "The Bachelor" is better. Can it? Hold on-

#21- People that watch The Bachelors and Bachelorettes
At least if they caught a severe beating they would have something going on in their lives that was better than watching vapid television shows and stuffing their fat faces with processed foods.

#20- Joan & Melissa Rivers
It should be required of all entertainers that they learn a trade. That way, when they are no longer attractive or funny, they can get a real job. And no, celebrity fashion commentator is not a fucking real job.

#19- Rosie O'Donnell
You know, I always hated Rosie’s vile brand of passive-aggressive, humorless, sugar-coated “comedy.” I actually respect her more for finally coming out. Too bad she didn’t have the sand to do it before she was nothing more than an embarrassing footnote in television history. How gorgeous is Tom Cruise now, Rosie? You fraud. And by the way, no one wants to see a play about Boy George.

#18- American Idol Contestants
Another group of extraordinarily ordinary people willing to trade their dignity for a moment of notoriety. God forbid you actually do anything to try and achieve your goal of being a singer. Just enter a ridiculous karaoke contest. Oh, you won? Congratulations, you are now the butt of Jay Leno’s hack jokes for a year.

#17- Ann Coulter
Another one of the new breed of political pundits who is more interested in scoring face time on TV and selling books than honest discourse, Coulter is a particularly despicable and disingenuous know-it-all who doesn’t hesitate to make wholly fabricated statements about things that she plainly doesn’t understand.

#16- Maureen Dowd
The epitome of the New York liberal feminist—quite possibly the most detestable type of human being in the world—the liberal version of Ann Coulter minus the fiery conviction. It’s hard to even disagree with her articles because she can’t string more than 300 words together without totally losing any semblance of a point. I honestly think that there is someone at the NY Times that hates women and publishes Dowd just to make women look stupid.

#15- Russell Crowe
This asshole carried one good movie, and it wasn’t that clichéd snoozer Gladiator. It was L.A. Confidential, and it was eight fucking years ago. If Scorsese and Spielberg can be gracious, so can the poor man’s Yahoo Serious. By the way Russell, your band sucks.

#14- Kellen Winslow, Jr.
You have to be a new and improved kind of stupid to hurt yourself fucking around a motorcycle during the off-season following an injury-shortened rookie season. Add that to his “soldier speech” following a game in college, and you have real grade-A dick. For more on KW2’s bike accident check out: Stupid Tight End Hurt in Cycle Crash.

#13- Robin Williams
Oh where to begin…Robin Williams is such a ridiculous parody of himself now that I honestly fear that when he goes on “The Tonight Show” there will be so much suck when he and Jay sit next to each other that the earth will collapse in on itself and destroy all the matter in the universe in a massive implosion. I am embarrassed for him.

The moral of the Robin Williams story: never stop using cocaine.

#12- Sean Penn
Who knew that being an actor prepared you for so many jobs? Tom Cruise is neurological science expert; Sean Penn is a journalist… who needs college anymore? To be fair, Sean Penn has done a few political thrillers and Tom Cruise probably picked up some things from Kurt Russell (who played a psychologist) on the set of Vanilla Sky.

#11- Michael Moore
This guy is so full of shit, and before anyone jumps down my throat here, I could give two shits about the guy’s politics. He is a double-dealing, dishonest moron who goes around spouting his smug brand of rhetoric about caring for people while he treats the people he doesn’t agree with like dogshit. He produces the same bullshit propaganda that he is busy condemning from the other side. Moore is the worst kind of political advocate. He preaches to the choir and alienates everyone who is interested in honest discourse with childish generalizations and hilariously black-or-white faux-morality.

#10- Teenagers
We were all there once, and we all deserved a beating for it. Teenagers are the second biggest group of assholes on the planet, bested only by old people.

#9- Barry Bonds
Cheater extraordinaire and angry millionaire Barry Bonds seemingly goes out of his way to be ungracious to fans and media alike. Personally, I don’t think that athletes owe the fans anything other than 100% effort on the field, but if you want respect from the fans and media, try showing some. Barry on the other hand acts like his paycheck isn’t compensation enough, and that he is owed some kind of reverence. Well fuck you too Barry. You made millions of dollars playing a kid's game. Life ain’t so bad, you grumpy bitch.

#8- Kenneth Lay
Mr. Enron is single-handedly responsible for destroying the retirement dreams of nearly all his Enron minions, and while they struggle to find new jobs and rebuild their measly savings accounts, this asswipe continues to live large in his Houston mansion while waiting to go on trial next year. I’ll make Ken a deal, if he lets everyone who lost money because of his fraud kick him in the balls once for every dollar he cost them, we’ll let him keep his house.

#7- Jimmy Fallon
Fallon is the least funny breakout “star” ever to come from SNL. He makes Tim Meadows look like a 19-year-old Eddie Murphy. He makes Rob Schneider look like Bill Murray. He makes David Spade look like John Belushi. And for fuck’s sake, stop smirking at your own terrible jokes you chump.

#6- Dan Brown
There is no reason we should be subjected to Dan Brown's mug plastered all over the place. You'd think this guy was the next John Steinbeck with all the press he gets, except that there is always this air of desperation in the interviews that deteriorate into discussing the controversy surrounding the book. I wonder why that is?

All quibbling about historical accuracy aside, "The Da Vinci Code" is a shitty novel.

#5- Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil managed to parlay a chance job helping Oprah win a lawsuit with the cattle industry into a multi-million dollar TV gig. All for doing little more than spouting asinine, over-simplified, backwoods common sense at a bunch of degenerate fuck-ups in order to make fat, lonely housewives feel better about their pathetic lives. How much do you want to bet me that everyone of the mouth-breathing apes he “helps” on his show are back to their same hijinks by the time their episode airs? I’m all in.

#4- Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly is a pompous, double-dealing shitbag. He recently managed to undermine the foundation of higher education and the First Amendment at the same time by inciting his moronic minions to boycott all support of Hamilton College for simply inviting the controversial Ward Churchill to speak at the campus. The ensuing carnage of death threats, hate mail, and irrevocable financial sanctions forced Hamilton to breach its own deeply-rooted principles and cancel the engagement to ensure the safety of its students. So what does O'Reilly do next? Invite Churchill to "The No Sense Zone". I know that one isn't at all funny, but it is a serious matter.

#3- Star Jones
Star Jones would be a much more sinister influence if it wasn’t so obvious that she is a fucking joke. First, she whores out every aspect of her sham wedding to a gay man, and then she gets hired to critique movie stars’ looks on the red carpet. Star Jones is going to talk about how Angelina Jolie looks in her dress? Are you fucking serious? Joan Rivers is 1000x more attractive than Star Jones, and Joan Rivers looks like a sun-bleached peat bog mummy.

#2- Terrell Owens
This asshole is the epitome of the spoiled, childish clowns that professional sports could use far less of. He’s a great player, no doubt. But he’s one of those guys that is convinced that everyone is racist because they all hate him.

Earth to TO: We don’t hate you because you are black. We hate you because you are the most self-involved, classless scumbag in the NFL. And that is quite a feat.

#1- Jay Leno
My hands are shaking just looking at his name. This guy is a complete embarrassment to comedians everywhere. I can honestly say that I have never heard Leno tell a single funny joke. Not once. It has to be pretty depressing when the funniest thing on your whole “comedy” show is segment where you read mistakes from the goddamn newspaper.

Alright kiddies, let us hear it. Who else needs a beating?