RoadRaceJosh
11-20-2005, 04:39 PM
New Rules: (uncredited, sounds like Denis Leary to me)
Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.
Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
Rule #7: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.
Rule #11 (this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months - "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really particularly care in the first place.
Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.
Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
Rule #7: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.
Rule #11 (this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months - "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really particularly care in the first place.