USC Upstate IT Lab:
"How do I....Print, Save, Paste, Burn a CD, turn on the projector, get on the internet...blah blah blah.

Office Depot: When people refer to the computer as a "Modem", "Hard Drive", "Monitor".

The one I hate the most is: "Ma'am, we don't have anymore." and they reply with "Do you have anymore in the back?"

THERE'S NO STOCK IN THE BACK BITCH!

Anyway, post away

If I told you....I would have to charge you...

My favorite is when you answer the phone with the name of the business, and people reply back with "hey is this _____?"

"BusinessA...."
"Hey, is this BusinessA?"

I try not to answer phones, fat people on phones piss me off.

I work at K-mart.

I block it all out, otherwise I would be a drooling mass of flab.

Sort of like my average customer.

From my days as a casualty adjuster:
1. I was driving when the tree came and hit me!
2. The sun was in my eyes----------(five car accident)
3. He hit me when I came out of the parking lot!
4. I gunned it and he hit me!
5. me-Where you injured in this 5 mph crash? claimant-Yes, I have whiplash. me-Do you feel this accident could have caused injuries to any party involved? claimant-I don't think so.
6. insured- I was driving in the rain when my lifted truck started spinning and I hit the center divider. Is this going to make my insurance go up? me-yes. insured-but it's not my fault!

I have way more, but I don't want to bore you any further.

my favorite is when you answer the phone with the name of the business, and people reply back with "hey is this _____?"

"BusinessA...."
"Hey, is this BusinessA?"

I try not to answer phones, fat people on phones piss me off.
i used to hate that shit. it got to th point where i would say "no, you have the wrong number" and hang up. thankfully i dont have to deal with the public anymore.

"USC Upstate Instructional Technology, This is Bryant"

"Hi, is this Bryant?"

"No, this is Willam"

"Well is Bryant there?"

"Yes this is Bryant"

Another one I hate is when people come into Office Depot, thinking it's Office Max. Now that pisses me off.

They'll show me a product in the circular, asking me where it is. I reply with "we don't carry it"

"Well isn't this OfficeMax?" I (wish I could) reply with "Bitch, didn't you see the sign outside?"

If only I could say what was really on my mind while at work. I'd be locked under a jail.

Office Depot: When people refer to the computer as a "Modem", "Hard Drive", "Monitor".

I get that one all the time.

One time, a woman tried to tell me that it was possible to record onto a CD-R more than once.

A really old guy once asked me for a cable switch, so he could hook his cable and his VCR to his TV at the same time. 20 minutes of me trying to show him how he could hook the cable THROUGH the VCR, and he still didn't get it.

Had a real corn-fed redneck father come in and buy an Xbox for his 10 year old son. A week later, he returned it because "It was too complicated for my boy to play right." They give the guy a gift card. He turns around an buys an Ipod mini for his son. I ask the kid if he knows how to use it, and he says he does. A week later, the guy returns the Ipod because "He don't know how to get the music on there!" That Ipod came back dirty as hell, as if the kid rolled it around on the ground, but we took it back anyway, cleaned it up, and now it's the display model in our show case.

I had one guy call me EVERY week to ask how to use his DVD player. First he would call because he didn't know how to set his TV to Input 1. After that, he'd say thanks, and hang up. Five minutes later, he'd call back: "The DVD works, but the movie's not showing right. "Instead of playing, it says weird stuff like 'special features', 'setup', 'play', and stuff like that." I tell him to push play, and we're done for the night. But he calls back next week, to ask me the EXACT SAME THINGS.

I get shading looking guys coming in every now and then asking about scales. I ask them: "What kind of scale? Postal, Bathroom, Kitchen?" to which they reply: "To measure grams and kilos"....

I love it when people try to return PC games they got for their kids' crappy Dell Celeron computers, not knowing they required beefier systems to run. It's especially funny when they get an online game like WOW, thinking they can be played in single player mode.

Kids will ask me if they can run Xbox live on their AOL dialup account. I laught at them.

People still ask if our TVs are cable ready. They've all been cable ready for like 20 years people.

Ocasionally, I get truckers asking if we sell porno movies.

Sign says: DVDs 2 for $15. Each DVD reads: $7.50. "Well, which is it? Are they 2 for $15 or $7.50 each?"

Parents complain about paying $50 for a new PS2 game. I remember paying $70+ for new SNES and N64 games back in the day. They should just shut their fat retarded mouths.

"Do you have XCubes?"

"Do you have Gameboxes?

"I'd like to buy a Playstation 3 please." You and me both, mister.

"Where's the Dreamcast games?" Across the street at EB in the bargain bin.

"Where's the Nintendo games?" I point to the Gamecube case. "THAT'S NOT NINTENDO, THAT'S GAMECUBE!"

"What's the difference between fullscreen and widescreen?"

And my absolute favorite, that I get at least once a month: "When is Mario Kart coming out for Playstation 2?"

KatakanaKarl, I see you work in the great world of retail like myself, lol.

Before my Office Depot days, I worked at Best Buy, and I think i've heard nearly everything you've explained above, but there's more...

We had a guy who said he needed to replace his "Modium" in his computer. One of my co-workers asked him if his computer had gas :rofl: He got in trouble, but it was still funny as hell.

We had a oriental guy asking "How can I GeeHaat?" We're like WTF is GeeHaat? Turns out he wanted us to explain to him how to *****". Of course we weren't gonna give up our time to teach someone how to "GeeHaat" when we have people spending money.

GeeHaat, Modium, what will consumers come up with next?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v217/DarkAngelKamui/Comics/50c24c03.jpg

The thing I hate most:

"Hey, can I ask you a question??"

You shitfuck, that already was. You wasted your one opportunity to ask me a qustion, now step out of my office and cut your bollocks off. Each nut is worth one question, so make sure those fuckers count.

I caught a little girl the other day taking small pieces of paper, balling them up, and throwing them on the floor. I gave her a mean ass look, and when I came back to that aisle a couple of mins later, the paper was gone.

I hate when people play with our shredders. No specific reason, but it's just annoying as hell to see people's infactuation with "shredding" papers.

Sales rep: "I don't understand why you can't just go through all the specimens since April 7th and throw out the ones with results less than 30 mg/dL"

Me: "We do 200 specimens a day."

Her: "Yeah?"

Me: "So, you want me to have my techs go back through 33,000 tubes to check all the results, then throw out only the ones less than 30, then remove them from the computer filing system, and you don't see why that's a big deal?"

We call a hairy 30 year old man "Apple bottom"

At one time I worked at Scientific Atlanta.

Person: where do you work?

Me: Scienfic Atlanta in the Sat Com Group.

Person: Hey I have one of their cable boxes, Can you fix it?

"Where do I check out?"

"Did you not see the fucking registers at the front when you walked in?"

or better yet...

Bryant: "Can I help you with something?"
Customer: "I'm just looking, in a snooty tone of voice."

They pick up a printer, avoid me, run up front and check out...
Then they bring the printer back days later and I get a page to come up front.

Customer: "Do I need a cable with this printer?"
Myself: "Yes you need a USB Cable"
Customer: "No one told me I needed a cable"


Remember...
Bryant: "Can I help you with something?"
Customer: "I'm just looking, in a snooty tone of voice."

If I told you....I would have to charge you...

My favorite is when you answer the phone with the name of the business, and people reply back with "hey is this _____?"

"BusinessA...."
"Hey, is this BusinessA?"

I try not to answer phones, fat people on phones piss me off.
same here.

I work for Ace Inspection, and people always and forever are calling and asking:

"Hey... Is this Ace Hardware?"
"No, this is Ace Inspection."
"So this isn't Ace Hardware?"
"No." *click* they aren't worth talking to anymore so I always hang up.

Car sales.

Hey, I have horrible credit, I'm bankrupt, and I don't have a job or any money.
Now, I'm gonna need a 2000 or newer honda civic because they last forever, but that one you have over there has to many miles. I'm looking to spend 5k or less and need a really low intrest rate. I might also look at a toyota pickup because they last forever too, but only if it has four doors becaus I have five bastard children and gets at least 40 miles per gallon or better. What can you do for me?



:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:


FUCKING RATS!

Car sales.

Hey, I have horrible credit, I'm bankrupt, and I don't have a job or any money.
Now, I'm gonna need a 2000 or newer honda civic because they last forever, but that one you have over there has to many miles. I'm looking to spend 5k or less and need a really low intrest rate. I might also look at a toyota pickup because they last forever too, but only if it has four doors becaus I have five bastard children and gets at least 40 miles per gallon or better. What can you do for me?



:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:


FUCKING RATS!

LMAO, I bet you get all kinds of shit in car sales.

I knew of someone who took their 10 year old car to a dealership and expected them to fix their convertible top for free. His argument was "Isn't it still under warranty?"

Asshole.

Car sales.

Hey, I have horrible credit, I'm bankrupt, and I don't have a job or any money.
Now, I'm gonna need a 2000 or newer honda civic because they last forever, but that one you have over there has to many miles. I'm looking to spend 5k or less and need a really low intrest rate. I might also look at a toyota pickup because they last forever too, but only if it has four doors becaus I have five bastard children and gets at least 40 miles per gallon or better. What can you do for me?


At least they are being honest.

From when I worked in Produce at WalMart:

I had one customer ask me for a product (I can't for the life of me remember what it was) that we had never carried.
Me - I'm sorry, we don't carry that.
Her - Yes, you do. You had it last week.
Me - (beginning to think I could possibly have been wrong) Can you take me to where it was?
Her - *Takes me to the lettuce* (the lettuce is always here and is NEVER replaced by anything) It was right here. But it has been replaced by lettuce. It was always here.
Me - Well, when did you buy it?
Her - Last week ( I had worked every day that week)
Me - No, we never had that, especially last week. I'm sorry. *at this point, I walked away*


Walmart's best selling item is bananas. We sold about 8,000 pounds EVERY week. Sometimes they would come in green. One Saturday nite at almost 11:00 pm I had a customer come in and ask me for "really, really ripe" bananas. We didn't have any, they had been coming in green all weekend.
Me - I'm sorry, they've been coming in green all weekend.
her - I need to have RIPE bananas. I need them for the banana pudding I"m making for my church social tomorrow. Now go get me some ripe bananas.
Me - We don't have any ripe ones, but if you put them in a brown paper bag and put it someplace warm -like on top of the fridge - overnite, they may be usable in the morning. Or you could try Food Lion or Ingles and see if they have any.
her - *interrupting me* NO NO NO, I need RIPE bananas NOW. I don't want to try other stores and I don't want to put them on my fridge!!! Why don't you have any ripe bananas??
me - Because I purposely flew down to Costa Rica and knowingly picked them early just so I could piss you off. Thats why we don't have ripe bananas!

One more:
There was one customer who was grossly overweight, but for some reason decided to dress like a whore - literally. We called her "big nasty". Things would fall out of her clothes - Big Nasty things - hence her nick name. Any way, one day I was watching the news, and one of the stories was a prostitution ring bust. I halfway expected to see "big nasty". Of course, I didn't see her, but I did realize one thing when I saw how the hookers were dressed. Compared to "big nasty", Our hookers have more dignity and class.

I work for an airline company and i get this one EVERYDAY

Passenger: "Can I change my ticket?"

Me: "Sorry, your ticket is not changeable"

Passenger: "So can I change my ticket for a fee?"

Me: "............... (wtf)"

OR!

Passenger: "I would like to refund my ticket"

Me: "Sorry, but your ticket is not refundable"

[scenario 1]
Passenger: "So i wouldn't get anything back?"
[scenario 2]
Passenger: "So, how much would I get back if I refund my ticket?"

Beileve me, I have more just give me time to jot some down.

At least they are being honest.


Some are. Others will lead you to believe that they will be paying cash for a car. negotiate a deal then when you sit down to do the paper work you find out that their only here because their car got repoed last night and they need a new one .

"exuse me, Rob, can i please have this soup taken off my bill? it was horrible!"

:looks at soup and its all gone:

"Sure, no problem sir, sorry to hear the soup was not good"


Fucker, dont eat the soup if you dont like it.. DOUSCHE!

me "may i help you?"
customer "yeah, can this dvd player play dvds?"
me "yup"
customer "can this dvd player play cds?"
me "yup"
customer "how can it play cds if its a DVD player?"
me "because its designed to play both dvds and cds"
customer "oh. it can play DVDs right?"
me "YES both DVDs AND CDs"
customer "can i plug it to my sony flat screen TV?"
me "umm sprry i g2g" and i walk away to the other side of the store.

here's another one we hear quite often:


customer: "So how long until you guys are done rebuilding my equipment?"
me: "It really depends on the condition of it when it gets here. If its clean and good to go, all we need to do is retest."
customer: "OK, I'll make sure my guys wash it down before they bring it, can I expect it back by friday?" (Currently wed. or thurs.)
me: "If it is good and we can get done fast, possibly. We will call you when it is finished."

-gear shows up, is covered in shit and totally fucked up, I call the customer -

me: "So, your gear is trashed, we will have it for at least a week or longer depending on parts."
customer: "Shit. I need that gear on a job by saturday."
me: "Why didn't you tell me that when you called the first time?"
customer: "I did."
me: :rolleyes: "I'll see what I can do."

-friday comes, everything is totally fucked up and we are working mad hours trying to get his gear back together -

me: "So looks like we will have the stuff done by tomorrow morning at 7am, that work for you?"
customer: "I need it in the Jonah by 8am, can you have it done by 5?"
me: "We'll see if we can get it done tonight and have it waiting for you at 5am tomorrow."

-we work all night long getting shit completed and tested and sit there waiting for them to show up at 5am -

8am:
me: "So... where are you?"
customer: "We just left *insert location*. We'll be there in an hour."

9am:
me: "Are you going to be here any time soon to pick up your gear?"
customer: "We haven't left *insert location* yet, can you just put it on the trailer for us?"
me: "It will be on your trailer waiting for you when you get here."



and then the shit is still sitting there when we get back on monday, and after working several 20 hour days rebuilding it, they bitch about the overtime we bill them.

Walmart Revisited:

I once had a 55ish customer come over and ask for help getting a watermelon. While I'm helping him, he goes into this tyraid(sp?) about how stupid my generation is and how much we depend on a calculator and how stupid we are because we use a calculator. I let him continue for about 15 minutes before I interrupted:
ME - Excuse me sir, but I would like to bring two things to your attention.
him - Ok, what?
ME - 1. Your generation invented the calculator. Not mine.
him - uhhh.
ME - Oh, Yes. and 2. Has it ever occurred to you that my generation can only be as intelligent as the generation teaching us? Would you mind telling me whose generation is teaching us - Mine or yours?
him - uhhh. mine - *he muttered*
ME - I'm sorry I couldn't hear you, would you mind repeating that in the same volume level you were just using to bash my generation?!?
him - MINE!!! OK? ARE YOU HAPPY?!? *storms off*
ME - have a good day sir!

You're lying.

You're lying.


Why would someone lie about working at Walmart;)

Me: "Yacolt Earth Station, this is Josh."
Customer: "Is this MCI?"
I instantly know that this is someone with a residential phone issue of some kind.
Me: "Yes, this is MCI."
Customer: "I'm having this problem with my (bill, service, wahtever)...blah, blah, blah..."
Me: "Let me give you a number to customer service."

I work at a friggen International Earth Station. We don't talk to cutomers here. There is a whole big call center just for customer service. I work with other techs mostly in other countries. I don't give a good god damn if you can't figure out the automated phone system. Unless you want to talk about satellite traffic or the terrestrial circuits into the station I can't help you! Damn I wish they would take our number out of the phone book.

I deliver bread and I had a customer who comlained every day about the bread. "too hard too soft too short too long too fat too skinny." this went on for ever so one day I had enough. "come here" I took him out to the truck and opened the back door." do you see a fuckin oven in there? I don't bake the bread I just drive it down here to you if you don't like the bread then call the bakery" that was the last compaint I ever got from him.